I heard we made out
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
