I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
