I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
