if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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