Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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