I faked an abortion last night.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
