His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
