I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
i need some magic done to my vagina
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
