I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
