I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I accidentally burped into my bong.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
