Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
