hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
