Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
