I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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