did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
