Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
