So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
