His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
