i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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