Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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