Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
