remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
