I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
