Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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