I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
my phone needs a breathalizer
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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