last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
