please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
