I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
