Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
