By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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