dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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