My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize