hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
