i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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