I just saw a hot homeless man
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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