he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I think your dad took our porno
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
