So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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