I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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