You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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