I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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