the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
