My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
