Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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