I wish I only lived at night.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
