i would punch a child for taco bell
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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