I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
