I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
The ass gains better be worth it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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