So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
