none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
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But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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