I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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