guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
