mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
