I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
