Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
